March 2007 Archives

Life is a series of interactions...

Cause and effect...

Games played... reactions assessed... adjustments made...

At times I feel both caught up in, and outside this phenomenon...

Both big and small at the same time...

But can you be both within and without at the same time?  Or is it more a matter of being aware of just what merry-go-round I'm riding on while being planted firmly in the middle of it?

And why does that thought make me feel like I haven't accomplished quite as much as I'd like to have?

photo: originally uploaded by Digital_Explorer

My friday morning has consisted of sending email after email...

A precursor to the inevitable phone calls...

Prodding the slow to action...

When they'd much prefer to wind down for the upcoming weekend...

Sigh... somebody's gotta do it... And I need results...

I was feeling quite productive until I felt a sudden stinging on the back of my own neck and reached around to find that I'd sent one of the emails to MYSELF!!

(Reply doesn't work if YOU are the sender of the previous email - Idiot!)

:p

Then THREE must be better! (Don't you think??)

It's a philosophy to live by...

And there's no one around to see you eat it...

Does your butt still get fat?

Beth at So the Fish Said...

I have been secretly in love with Beth for a long time, but today her post Where I get a Little Ranty really made my day!!

You see, I tend to do things outside-the-norm.  Not pull your kids across the street to get away from the weird girl outside-the-norm, but different none the less.  Sometimes it's on purpose (makes things more interesting, you know) and sometimes it's just because that's the way things have turned out.  Mostly I enjoy it, and am happy to live my life this way.

The realm of motherhood is a totally different story... When you're a mom you want to be perfect.  You want to build the perfect life for your perfect child.  They deserve nothing less.  And even the slightest things can make you feel crushed with guilt, forever a failure.  Add to that being a single mom, or a working mom, or even (gasp) a working single mom and you have a mountain of guilt so high sometimes you feel like you will never be able to climb over it (crawling on your hands and knees as you are with Ark of the Covenant of MY GLORIOUS CHILD chained to your neck).

Now that's not to say I've had it harder than everyone else (I haven't) or that my children are more perfect or less perfect than someone else's (well ok they ARE but that's beside the point)...  My point is that it's easy to judge, or feel smug, or want others to do things the way you did so you feel better about your own choices... But making someone else feel bad doesn't make YOU any better...  You are still where you were in the beginning... But now someone else feels bad...

And that's a shame...

But today Beth, who's life and family are seemingly (yet strangely not annoyingly) perfect, speaks out for those of us who have done things differently...

And for that I thank her...

Whenever I have to work closely with someone new, someone I haven't really worked with before, there is always that awkward 'burning-in' period.  You know, the one where you try to figure out the most optimal way to get your own way play nicely together?  I am in that situation right now, and what makes it even more difficult is that this new person and I don't seem to be quite aligned in our work styles.  Specifically I am a control freak very organized and don't like to waste time and he is a control freak seems to dislike committing to a specific course of action until my head starts spinning around he is sure.

Now I realize that it takes a little time to get used to working with someone new, and that this situation is only exacerbated by the fact that on my last project the team just DID what I SAID was wonderful to work with.  So I am trying to be patient.  Still, work is all about getting things done and it is difficult for me to just let time slide by...

I do know, however, that there will always be all kinds of idiots personalities to deal with in any work or other situation so I am trying to be open-minded.  Specifically, I am trying to be open-minded about the fact that it's all about me I tend to be inwardly focused about these things.  Interestingly, even my attempts at open-mindedness end up being more about how to optimize this situation for ME.

Not that there's anything wrong with that...

Let's face it, these days we're expected to take care of our own careers.  And fortunately for business, lots of times the first place to start in taking care of yourself is to be valuable to your company.  Still, I find it interesting (and a bit disconcerting) to take a step back and listen to the voices dialogue in my head* even when I'm trying to be less self-absorbed:

• If I don't put a stop to this now, it'll suck at the end of the project
• Dial back your inner bitch babe, you don't want people to hide when they hear your name
• It's because I'm a girl isn't it?
• Oh, get real, don't turn into one of THOSE
• Why is he behaving like this? What is he trying to accomplish?
• And how can I understand his motivations?
• So he will DO what I WANT?

See what I mean? I'd like think that I am open-minded, but when I try to force myself to be, it becomes clear that I am certainly not...

*The voices in my head are real, the names have been changed to protect the innocent...

Yes, I said poolside blogging (don't hate me because I'm beautiful stupid vacationing...)

One of the best things about vacationing is to sit back and just enjoy the moment... To feel perfectly at one with the world... To try to hold on to these moments as they pass...

And I'm not delusional... nor am I drunk (at the moment)... I know this is only temporary... Yet somehow it feels so very far away from my real world... My normal world... My everyday, run-like-crazy rat race existance... Which I guess is the entire purpose of taking a vacation in the first place...

It just seems... strange...

And as wonderful as it is, sometimes I am completely overwhelmed with how far away my familar things (and people) are...

And I want them back... NOW...

The place doesn't matter...

And if you have to travel too far to find it, then the peace you find is lessened by that energy you had to exert to get there...

Find your center in the center of where you are...

the very universe is driven by words...

How many times have you repeated the past?

How many times have you made the same mistake you supposedly learned from before?

I like to think that I learn from my mistakes... When I make a mistake, when something doesn't turn out the way I had expected it to, I try to examine it very critically (if only to myself).  I try to force myself to look clearly and be as honest as I can be about what I have done and why...

I was selfish... I was afraid... I was greedy... I just lost focus... This isn't working the way I wanted it to... I was tired, lazy, overly ambitious...

Whatever the reason... even if I couldn't say it out loud, I wanted to understand it for myself... And mostly I think I do...

So why is it then that I still seem to repeat some of the same mistakes over and over?

At some point you come to the realization that you will never be perfect...

That no matter how hard you try or how much you accomplish, there will still be more...

More to do... more to see... more to become...

You can never do it all... You can never see it all...

No wonder people want so deperately to find immortality, or live again...

How can anyone stand to know that they will only experience a tiny bit of what life has to offer?

How?

About potentially infecting my fellow travelers...

I don't get sick often, and I'm not one of those angry-sick people who get pissed off at whatever low-life it was that infected them...

But I know people who are...  And I'm sure I will be trapped on a plane next to some of them... 

I feel guilty about that... but really... I am away... and I have to get home...

And that in itself perpetuates the problem... So here I sit... trying to hold my breath and not cough...

I do find it interesting though, that most people just expect the rest of the world to take whatever measures necessary to not inconvenience them... While at the same time just plunging straight through life with no awareness of the inconvenience they might cause for others...

and out-of-control hyper at the same time?

It's a very strange combination... You feel great, but at the same time there is this little voice that says, 'This can't be good'...

Still, you carry on as long as possible and hope that you manage to make it to bed before the crash comes...

Is the fact that I am aware of and most of the time actually pretend to believe accept that there may be those among you who might not appreciate my particular brand of reality...

I have the good fortune of currently being surrounded by people who love and accept me for who I am, and maybe even like that I have no morals invent my own morals move to the beat of a slightly different drummer...

But I wasn't always so lucky... and I like to stop and remember that sometimes...

Lest I take for granted the good fortune of living in a time and place where my opinions can be more or less expressed freely...

And I can be myself without having to resort to stage tricks like extreme eccentricity or anti-social behavior just because I prefer to find my own way...

It's almost 'bugs on flowers' season!!!

However much we are tempted to live our lives so that they read well, very few of us end up in books.

But each of us get a life to live...

And I wonder if we should just concentrate on living it...