Recently in Relationships Category

How is it possible...

How can I be so happy... and still miss you this much???

I shouldn't look...

and I haven't in a long long time...

Still... there you are...

More beautiful and glorious than ever...

Doesn't THAT sound self absorbed...

How do I improve the quality of my relationship with myself?  I mean, we have the quantity part down... After all I spend every minute of the day with me, whether I like it or not (and believe me there are times when I just wish *I* would shut up and quit remembering stuff already)...

So how do I go about improving my relationship with myself, if what I want is to become a better person, not just a more self-focused one?

Are we talking tough-love here? (As in get your hiney to the gym and quit putting it off!)
Or self-acceptance (I'm ok, you're ok, even those pictures from the 80s are ok (am I pushing it?))
Maybe it's taking a walk on the wild side...
or the spiritual side...
or even the 'take a chill pill' side...

Measure twice, cut once...
A penny saved is a penny earned...
If you can't say something nice don't say anything at all...
If a tree falls in the wilderness (ok you get my point)...

Sigh...

Such a pretty path a new year makes...

But where to place the first steps???

That it suddenly made you afraid that you'd shared too much?

That you've just given away some pieces of yourself that you will never get back again?

What if they don't take proper care of them?  What if they turn on the bright lights and realize just what it is they're holding?  What if they drop them in horror and run screaming from the room?

What then?

So I was chatting with the maternal unit today.  And when I say chatting I mean IM.

Yes, my mother communicates with me via instant message...  Amazing perhaps for her generation; but she less progressive about technology than she is resourceful...

About keeping up with her children...

And IMing me in the middle of the work day is typically the easiest way for her to track... me... down...

Because I suck at the ol' communication thing...  And I hate the phone in general...  (Yes I have two cell phones with me at all times, but that's mainly for internet 'kay?)

Anyway, during the course of this afternoon's chat I was alternately:

1. Guilt-ridden
2. Annoyed
3. Guilt-ridden
4. Amused
5. Guilt-ridden
6. Or... guilt-ridden

And during this conversation I came up with at least three different blog topics, none of which I can remember, except that they had something to do with feeling guilty... They were BRILLIANT I tell you!! (You'll just have to trust me on this one.) But now they are gone forever... Do you think that's part of the super-secret mom-evil-plan?  To make you feel guilty about stuff and then have you immediately forget what the guilt-causing actions were?

It's the only explanation I can come up with...

*Mom, if you're reading this it's total fiction; a publicity stunt.  I SWEAR!!

Whenever I have to work closely with someone new, someone I haven't really worked with before, there is always that awkward 'burning-in' period.  You know, the one where you try to figure out the most optimal way to get your own way play nicely together?  I am in that situation right now, and what makes it even more difficult is that this new person and I don't seem to be quite aligned in our work styles.  Specifically I am a control freak very organized and don't like to waste time and he is a control freak seems to dislike committing to a specific course of action until my head starts spinning around he is sure.

Now I realize that it takes a little time to get used to working with someone new, and that this situation is only exacerbated by the fact that on my last project the team just DID what I SAID was wonderful to work with.  So I am trying to be patient.  Still, work is all about getting things done and it is difficult for me to just let time slide by...

I do know, however, that there will always be all kinds of idiots personalities to deal with in any work or other situation so I am trying to be open-minded.  Specifically, I am trying to be open-minded about the fact that it's all about me I tend to be inwardly focused about these things.  Interestingly, even my attempts at open-mindedness end up being more about how to optimize this situation for ME.

Not that there's anything wrong with that...

Let's face it, these days we're expected to take care of our own careers.  And fortunately for business, lots of times the first place to start in taking care of yourself is to be valuable to your company.  Still, I find it interesting (and a bit disconcerting) to take a step back and listen to the voices dialogue in my head* even when I'm trying to be less self-absorbed:

• If I don't put a stop to this now, it'll suck at the end of the project
• Dial back your inner bitch babe, you don't want people to hide when they hear your name
• It's because I'm a girl isn't it?
• Oh, get real, don't turn into one of THOSE
• Why is he behaving like this? What is he trying to accomplish?
• And how can I understand his motivations?
• So he will DO what I WANT?

See what I mean? I'd like think that I am open-minded, but when I try to force myself to be, it becomes clear that I am certainly not...

*The voices in my head are real, the names have been changed to protect the innocent...

How many times have you repeated the past?

How many times have you made the same mistake you supposedly learned from before?

I like to think that I learn from my mistakes... When I make a mistake, when something doesn't turn out the way I had expected it to, I try to examine it very critically (if only to myself).  I try to force myself to look clearly and be as honest as I can be about what I have done and why...

I was selfish... I was afraid... I was greedy... I just lost focus... This isn't working the way I wanted it to... I was tired, lazy, overly ambitious...

Whatever the reason... even if I couldn't say it out loud, I wanted to understand it for myself... And mostly I think I do...

So why is it then that I still seem to repeat some of the same mistakes over and over?

Is the fact that I am aware of and most of the time actually pretend to believe accept that there may be those among you who might not appreciate my particular brand of reality...

I have the good fortune of currently being surrounded by people who love and accept me for who I am, and maybe even like that I have no morals invent my own morals move to the beat of a slightly different drummer...

But I wasn't always so lucky... and I like to stop and remember that sometimes...

Lest I take for granted the good fortune of living in a time and place where my opinions can be more or less expressed freely...

And I can be myself without having to resort to stage tricks like extreme eccentricity or anti-social behavior just because I prefer to find my own way...

I love to mentor... I have done it for many years in many forms and it is something I enjoy immensely... after I get started...

But I have to force myself... every time...

I have to fight against the voices that say 'you don't really have anything THAT helpful to say' or 'you haven't accomplished enough YOURSELF how can you possibly help someone ELSE?' or even 'you have FAR too much to do, just call it off...'

I have to ignore those voices... every time... because when I do, I find that I get to meet people who not only enjoy being mentored, but can teach me new things as well... I find that I really enjoy the time I spend working with others... that I am always glad I did... every time...

And really, isn't that how we all learn?  In spite of the little voices???

Fitting in... something most of us want in one form or another.  Probably a survival technique from as far back as the stone ages.  We feel safer as part of a group and are willing to conform our own behavior to the requirements of the group so we can stay part of it.  There is an inherent benefit to this; people learn social skills and manners, they learn to be aware of their own behavior and how it affects others, they learn to in effect see themselves from outside themselves.  By sticking together a group can withstand larger threats than by standing alone as individuals.  We can build infrastructure that optimizes support of the group and allows individual growth and freedom.

But groups are made up of individuals each looking to maximize the benefit to themselves.  No one joins a group looking solely to provide benefit to the others in the group.  The group dynamic works best when the goals of the group are aligned in such a way that the members of the group receive the benefits they are looking for while at the same time being able to provide something back.  'You need what I want to give' may sound selfish, but is actually an optimal and self-sustaining model.

The control mechanisms for groups are easy to understand as well.  You behave according to group standards and you are allowed to remain in the group and receive the benefits the group can provide.  You give, you take and everything remains in balance.  Except when it doesn't.  Except when the group wants from you more than you receive in return, or wants from you things you are not willing to give in which case you attempt to change the group, or you go and find another.

But it's never that easy is it?  New people entering a group instinctively try to change it to better fit their own wants and needs, while those already in the group fight to keep it the way it was.  Those skilled in manipulation inter-social interaction try to draw others to the group by increasing a group's desirability.  This is done both through increasing the awareness of those outside the group, and in some cases by purposeful exclusion to increase interest. 

So then you are left with a difficult dilemma: 'Do I want to join this group because it's truly of interest/benefit to me? Or do I just want to join because of some artificial mechanism which compels me to change my behavior for something I don't really even want?'

Sometimes the hardest thing to so is to choose not to fit in...

There is no point where you get to cross a line, make a commitment and flip a switch and then suddenly you get to relax into your happily ever after and never worry about it again...

Sorry...

It just doesn't work that way...

Being with someone is a choice you make...

Every day...

Every time you meet someone new...

Every time you're cranky or pissed or angry...

Every time someone flirts with you...

You choose...

If you're lucky... the choice is easy...

If the choice is tough to make... then maybe you should rethink your situation...

But don't blame anyone else...

YOU... have to CHOOSE...